Happy 25th year of impending death to me! š„³ Friends and foes alike, let us celebrate my mid-mid-life crisis.
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| Celebrative candle :) (source) |
Anyway, I suppose for any unfortunate soul curious enough to read this, this lengthy piece of absolutely 0 worth for you would probably contain some quick updates on my life, a fair bit of schizophrenic rambling, and some new-(relative)-yearās resolution (that I probably will fail in following through). Honestly, Iām just writing to collect my thoughts, as I said, rambling, so good luck fabricating value from a bunch of nonsense.
Updates
Not dead yet
Iām alive! Still! Somehow! Considering kicking, not the bucket, not yet, at least. Impressive in itās own right, I suppose. After all, Iāve been voted the most likely to die young and die first in my highschool graduating class. Frail old me still holding strong, miraculously.
A good few years ago, a friend joked about not knowing if I was dead or alive, as I neither use social media nor contact anyone. Just isnāt really my thing, I guess. Never felt too compelled. Everyoneās still on my mind, make no mistake. Itās just that I donāt really actively seek people out without good reason. To make up for it, this is my belated update for anyone who mildly remembers me. See you in another 25 years!
Livelihood and no-life-ing
So, Iām finally graduating from my bachelorās, probably next month. Quite the journey, I must say. Highschool science to associateās arts and back to bachelorās science. Some might consider it a good 3 years wasted. Perhaps, but I would have went with other career paths otherwise. (Oh I so fondly recall my days when I romanticized being a burger-flipping philosophy major, NOT!)
I ended up with Software Engineering, aka writing programs and a bit more. Not very happy with the āHK no ITā scene but Iāll try find some corner in the industry with some like-minded colleagues that care.
I also ended up moving out and living semi-alone-ish. The bills, the chores, the responsibilities, quite depressing, I must say. My SWE job of almost 2 years is supporting my finances just enough that I donāt sink into debt. I might have had some impulse tech purchases here and there, but it bears absolutely no relevance to this topic. Haha. Please. *thousand-yard stares* (If any of you are looking to get something 3D printed, mechanical keyboard soldered, or a website hosted, feel free to ask, I might have some stuff sitting around. LOL)
But for real, full-time work, in office 100% of the time, but working solo, has me drained for the most part, eating away even my weekends. Most of the time is spent sleeping, being awake for a couple of hours, then falling back asleep. Sometime I sing for a bit. Hopefully itās not depression or something else serious, fingers crossed.
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| Canāt get enough of this fellaās music š Absolute blast to sing along |
Woe is me
I donāt feel I have matured, like at all. Unless you count working a soulless corporate job 9-6 and numbing the mind by playing video games afterwards. Another likely out is that grinding my bones to dust for career advancements even during off-time counts as āmaturityā, now isnāt that encouraging. Iām not sure if I can handle the grim reality of being āmatureā. *hurls*
At the same time, I canāt say Iām too satisfied with my option of pastime. Granted, itās not short-form video content for the attention-deficient. But esports? Really? Not be the lowest of lows, but not far away from it as well. The adorable little 9 year old bookworm that I once was would surely spit on current meās face, Iād spit on my face.
A bit reductive of myself, as I still read a lot, in very career-related forums now instead of good olā books. But what is theoretical knowledge without action? Pretty much intellectual masturbation if you ask me.
For the ego and p*tential I possess, neither matching outcome nor redeeming effort is shown. (Oooh the P-word nauseates me to no end.) The fear and shame for achieving so little despite having so much suffocates me, every waking alarm, every clock tick, every heartbeat, yet Iām still too lethargic to do more.
Bit of a kick, bit of a cope
On the body
Attempting to manifest action by sending fear and shame into overdrive doesnāt sound too healthy, Iāll be honest.
And to be fair to myself, I did just juggle between my full-time job and my full-time educationās final year project and have not had a meaningful timeout period, so there might be some mild burnout, but Iām not in a position to afford a sabbatical. Gosh darn adulting.
Perhaps ridding me of my frail body will also rid me of my frail mind. As an attempt, I finally hit the gym two weeks ago, for the first time in my life.
THE GYM HIT BACK, LIKE A FUCKING TRUCK. OW.
My chest and triceps still hurt when I stretch today. Itās insane. Hopefully it gets better going forward. FUCK.
Anyway, I guess Iāll try keep at it. I donāt know in what currency Iāll pay in for this effort, might as well be taking a huge loan with sanity as collateral. Hope the dividends help pay back the interest at least. I do still have some lingering adoration of my androgynous build though. Oh well, what must be done must be done, I suppose. Wouldnāt wanna be caught skinny-fat in my mid-30s. *Bleurgh*
On the psyche
Iāve considered maybe getting a significant other and working towards a future together might work well as a motivating factor. Not too sure about this though, as you might have noticed, Iām more of the aloof type, and social needs are more of an alien concept to me. Instead of fulfillment and gratification, this just spells more responsibility and burden for my current self. Not to mention the āulterior motiveā aspect of things. Sugar mommies are welcome though. Just kidding, haha, unless?
Who knows how itāll turn out in actuality, but itās just so much effort for an uncertain amount of payout.
You know what? Not even having 0 social needs, scratch that, make it negative. Between the COVID isolation, 2-hour roundtrip commute to work, 0 teammates, and unhelpful up/down-stream colleagues, my social needs have been reduced to atoms, annihilated, obliterated. I have not correlated real life interaction to anything but transactional pleasantries for a good while now.
Maybe a better workplace would help rebuild my social dopamine receptors. I donāt know, Iāll start looking though. Ideally an English speaking one, but any improvement is hardly refusable.
On the topic of jobs, my insurance agent tried to coax me into joining their team. The financial prospect is kind of interesting, but with migrating to the US as my long-term goal, I donāt see how the transition from an SWE to a trade thatās more or less limited to the local financial market. Not to mention the less than spectacular reputation of agents. Iāve also looked into teaching IT and English in secondary schools for a bit, but again, what good is it for migrating to the US?
Sidenote: The agentās regional director did funnily put up a speech as typical on taking control over your own life and being your own boss, instead of endless groveling servitude. The bullshit and gaslighting aside, his words do have some amount of truth to it, influencing my decision to look for greener pastures and self improvement with more haste.
Outro
Hopefully, you arenāt waiting for a meaningful conclusion. I was simply rambling about, as aforementioned. But if you insist, I was struggling, I am struggling, and I will be struggling, thatās all.
Peace.
Why are you still sticking around? Go read a book or something.